Indecision / In Division

Man, I am stuck.  I am the stuck-est I’ve been since this project started.  Here we are, 2:20pm on a Saturday afternoon, I’m shooting tomorrow morning, and I don’t know what I’m going to do or who I’m going to be.  I’ve got two ideas which are more or less fleshed out, yet not only can I not decide which I want to do, but I’m feeling repelled by both of them.  What is the answer in this situation?

It’s hard to sit down in front of this keyboard now to write this, because I feel like I should be on my feet in my living room, solidifying whatever character it is I’m going to do but I’m not there yet.  I’m hoping writing this blog will somehow allow me to cut through the clutter of my thoughts.  Self-therapy.

Being this unsure, this late in the game, feels awful.

It’s dumb, but I feel like there’s more pressure on me this week.  I fully recognize that that’s just my perception, but it’s a palpable feeling, regardless.  Last week’s video felt good, and seemed to be the most popular one I’ve done so far.  Knowing that is like reading reviews, though (which I don’t do when I’m doing plays for just this reason); it affects the process.  It doesn’t matter if the reviews are good or bad, those voices creep into your head, and they add noise and distract at the moments which requires the most focus.  So, maybe that’s a part of it.  I feel like last week’s episode was good, and I’m seeing everything through the “will this be AS good as (or better than) last week?” filter, and that is creative kryptonite.  It’s not the question I should be asking myself.  It’s almost entirely useless.  I would do well to remind myself that going into last week’s episode I realized that it was entirely possible that it would be everybody’s LEAST favorite episode.  That I’d get panned, and lose viewers/readers, and and and… and I did it anyway, and I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed the result, but who cares?  That was a lucky byproduct.  I enjoyed THE PROCESS, and that’s what this project is supposed to be all about.

This next video may be a piece of shit (as is the case with all of them).  The point is the effort I put in to creating something new.  And after all, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”  Hamlet said that.  So there.


Okay then.  Good.  I’m feeling back on track.

I’m going to go screw around on my roof now, and see what I come up with.

Hallelujah, holy hell.

-BR  4.18.09  2.40pm

~ by 50in50 on April 18, 2009.

2 Responses to “Indecision / In Division”

  1. Keep going!! You’re doing great. I feel inspired by your bravery. I really do. I always remember Larry’s advice “Be good, be bad, but never be boring.” Your experiment and your commitment to it is definitely NOT boring. Whether you succeed or fail (whatever that means. I agree with Hamlet) people are going to keep watching because of your willingness to put yourself out there. That in and of itself is compelling.

  2. I can just join Rachel. Keep going! You are doing a really good job. And I feel like reading a really good book and at a exiting part not to be able to continue reading. That’s how I feel after seeing your last video until the next one. This are always 7 days… :) Its a hard time…

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