Crash and Burn

Well, I’ve been predicting it for a a few weeks now, and it finally happened.  (Can you say “finally” when this whole project isn’t even five weeks old yet?)  My body had enough, gave me the finger, and man am I sick.  Been sick all week, actually.  Still totally exhausted.  It’s a wake-up call.

Overall, I’ve been happy with the episodes so far.  That said, I can’t sustain it–making episodes like that every week while working (more than) full-time, and taking classes two nights a week.  Something’s got to go, and good God almighty I wish it could be my day job.

I want to be frank here, and I hope this comes off as honest rather than cocky.  I think the episodes I’ve done so far are good, but not great.  I think they’re in the B-range (one or two maybe B+).  That’s according to my tastes and standards.  I’m sure there are many out there who’s opinions on them would differ greatly, and that’s fine, but since this is a process-oriented project, I’m looking to my own opinion first.  Fucking disclaimers.  Anyway.  My point is this: If I’ve been making a good, solid video every week, while working 45 hours a week, taking two 3-hour classes at night, trying to be an attentive boyfriend, and trying to maintain some semblance of a tiny social life… what could I accomplish if I didn’t have the 45 hours a week job?  How good could I make these episodes?  If I had my days free to really create, explore, and refine these characters?  To really script out the episodes?  To edit while I’m not struggling to keep my eyes open at 4am on a weeknight?  My mind reels at the possibilities.  I could take this project to another level.  I could really make it amazing.  I truly believe that I could.

I want to luxuriate in that fantasy like it was a chocolate waterfall, basking in it, drinking it in.  Don’t even let me start fantasizing about what I could do if I actually had a budget!  I can’t even think about it.  It’s actually a bit painful to me.  Especially because I feel these dreams may be no more real than that chocolate waterfall (swimming with gummi fish).

So.  I’m faced with a choice.  The realistic, sensible thing to do is to start making simpler episodes (no, I’m not even thinking about quitting).  Episodes that are just a monologue, and require little to no editing.  Something like that.  Realistically, given this economy, and blah blah blah, that’s exactly what I should do.  What do I want do to?  I want to quit my job, and focus on this project.  Ideally, I want to get paid for this project, so I can REALLY focus on it.  Realistically, though, the chances of that happening don’t seem good right now, and rent is due on the 1st of every month.

The bottom line is what I’ve been doing is not sustainable.  If my body shut down and I’m less than 1/10th through the project, that that’s a pretty clear indicator.  Something’s gotta give.

So I hope you’ll forgive me and keep watching if two out of every three episodes are shorter and simpler.  Or, I hope you’ll toss me a buck if you see me on the street with a “Will act for $$” sign.

Yours in exhaustion,

Brent  4.24.09  3.06pm

~ by 50in50 on April 24, 2009.

One Response to “Crash and Burn”

  1. from talking to you about this, it seems the focus should be the CHARACTER rather than the production value. it seems you have a case of “too much on the plate.” your editing is good, but that is what is killing you in the end.
    thinking back on the shooting of episodes 1, 3, and 4, we pretty much wrote, shot, and wrapped in a matter of a few hours. never stressful, always fun. then talking to about editing, it seems you are up till the wee hours, stressed and exhausted.
    have you considered reaching out to your friends who are good at editing and filmmaking? you have lots and it may give you the freedom to focus on the writing and characters. not all the time, but from time to time.
    alternatively, have you considered whoring your mouth out for a small fee?
    this is a great, cathartic project for you that i am happy to have been a part of so far. i look forward to continuing to help out as much as i can.
    seriously though, whoring pays.

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