The Problem with 50in50

Have I said this before?  Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t.  Had a few beers tonight, though, and I’m feeling particularly honest.

The problem with 50in50 is there just isn’t enough time.  There’s enough time to churn out episodes, yes.  But there’s not enough time to make what I want to make, or make it how I want to make it.  There just isn’t.  Not while it’s not paying the rent, anyway.  I’ll be honest with you, most of my performances in these things are what I’d consider to be “audition ready”.  As in, I just had a couple of days, and if I went in there with that as an audition, I think I’d feel pretty damn good.  In that way 50in50 has been great for me — I can put a character together very quickly now.  That said, “audition ready” isn’t “performance ready”.  I won’t speculate on whether or not you can see the difference.  The point is I can see the difference.  I know the diference between my best work and the work I throw together in two days.

Yeah.  I don’t like admitting it, but you know what?  That’s how it has to be with 50in50.  A day or two to plot and write.  A day or two to build a character.  A day to shoot.  Two days to edit.  One day to sleep.  That’s how it goes.  Really, I don’t feel like I have enough time to do any of those things as well as I want to.  Some auditions will be like that, and great, I’ve developed a serious tool set to be ready for those situations.  But that’s for an audition to get the part.  Were I to get the part I’d then have weeks to prepare, build a character, and really understand and get in alignment with him.  Two days (and when I say “two days” I mean a few hours a day for two days, when I’m not trying to pay my rent) just ain’t enough time.  Not to do what I want.  Not to do work that I’m proud of.  Not usually.

There are moments.  I think.  Always, there are moments, that stand out to me as special.  Some have more than others.  Some episodes are close to perfect in my mind, and some are completely misfires.  Such is life.

Blah blah blah.

My point is, 50in50 has taught me so, so much — probably more than I’ve learned in any school — and I’m looking forward to it being over.  Not because I don’t love doing it.  I do.  But because I’m looking forward to the day where I can spend a month on a short film (and I will), instead of 5 or 6 days.  That’s why.

If you want to see that as an apology or an equivocation, that’s your business.  I don’t see it that way.  I’m not apologizing for shit, frankly.  If you don’t like it, no offense, but you can fuck right off.  This project, from the beginning, was about growing as an actor, and I have.  It’s also come to be about growing as a writer, editor, and director.  And I have.  My goals are met, and I’m satisfied in that respect.

But I can’t wait for more time.  More time to really get in there.  I know that sounds kinda woo-woo, but I’m okay with that. I’m a Californian.  I’m slowly pushing toward the end.

I think that’s what I wanted to say.

More soon,

BR  11.13.10 2.29am

~ by 50in50 on November 13, 2010.